Why i hate matatus!

The festive season is upon us and with it comes alot of travelling here and there, and meeting friends and stuff. Now for the common mwananchi like you(no not you, the other you, yeah you!) and i are forced to take public transport in the form of matatus(big taxis) and buses. Im more of the optimistic type so i view stuff from the positive angle.....sometimes. I look at a matatu as my personal car which has a my very own personal driver and im just gracious enough let some other 13 guys come along with my in the car, some of the 13 other guys i feel like chuking them out pronto!
Once you enter the mat you secure a seat right in the middle of the mat(matatu) in the second last row. Once seated you turn to your right where an awful stench is eminating only to find a guy well dressed in a suit but may have only viewed a toothbrush in a photo in an advert and is quite yet to figure out how or where its used!
Im an attempt to get some fresh air you turn your right to find a 20 something year old guy right on the verge of blacking out on some cheap liquor and finds that particular moment an 'Idols' moment and belts out 'in tune' with the annoyingly screechy music being belted out by the tiny tweeters. Oh and just to make sure if you didnt know, he turns around to tell you just how much hes feeling that song.
The only place left to look is up or infront, but thers a problem. Infront of you is a normal looking guy with a not so normal body oduor. I must insist that parfum and or deo is a basic necessity almost comparable to food and shelter. The city council made smoking illegal on the basis that its harmful to other guys too, they should do the same about guys who find it hard to splash some water on themselves once in a while and hose them down in the middle of the street!
The concotion of smells is made worse by these ladies in the back seat who saw fit to drench themselves in the cheapest stinging parfum that exists in the market! I have nothing against using cheap stuff, i use cheap stuff, but dont make it that obvious, you feel me!?
There is a little known fact that mobile phone micropones are infact extremely powerful and that you can increase the volume in the speaker of your phone! Most people have no idea about that and that explains the shouting when one recieves a call! Add into the mix a miraa chewing conductor who keeps on sipping from an opaque bottle whose contents may very well be used to clean the loo, and you get a typical ride in a matatu and a trully Kenyan experience.

It can get worse though, travelling upcountry with a whole family of 7 perched on the two seats next to you or sitting next to a true african lady who spreads to twice her diameter once she sitts down and guys who refuse to open any of the windows!